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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| I am sure everyone has this in common, "when can I stop caring about ...."
Has the thought of leaving whatever it is that hurts you come to mind? Do you think to yourself- how much longer? How much more sadness will you go through for the sake of what you thought happiness was? Do the thoughts of these memories rot on your mind every night? Do you ever wonder, why should I care? But the only answer you have is because you can't help the way your feel and you can't control your own emotions?
Have you ever heard sweet words that leave a bitter taste in your mouth? The words make you cry because it's all you ever wanted to hear... All your life you wished that someone would tell you... Or something to make life seem a bit easier than the broken down path you walk before you... You think of the times where it was easy to smile freely and you honestly believed your heart had wings and could touch the heavens and nothing could possibily hold you down... Only to realize the same heavy heartbeat that you once thought was just skipping a beat.. Is actually wretched inside.. Pain just seeps it's roots down to your very life force... Like a leech it sucking the life out of you. Never had there be a time where those sweet words trickle did your heart also feel despair... Because for once in your life you heart wants to lie to you- addicted to the drugs emitted by the words... Your mind is tell you... Those are not real... That is poison... Your eyes start burning like acid... Lying there wondering... Am I going to close the book and leave the fairytale behind? | | |
| there are many things that come about where you see and want to believe... wow, why cant that be me... to live in such a fantasy world, where everything seems so perfect... a simple fact of having good guys that look as good as their hearts are...that are everything you ever wanted them to be, call it high hopes, high demands, or what not... is it impossible? are there any of these type of guys out there? that arent just the dirt bags i see before me - the ones that are actually worth while, the ones i dream every day about... to have someone i want to love me for me and only me... my thoughts may not make sense... but the desire still remains... a chance to give heart to someone...that probably doesnt even exist...always hearing that "theres always someone for everyone" but what if that someone isnt out there, would you be willing to wait lifetimes through and through... to think that if i only waited a little longer, if only i searched a little harder... would that person come into existance... or is it my own feeble mind that just desires and wishes so strongly for something inanimate to become real...
to have someone intelligent, to have someone funny, to have someone physically perfect in my eyes, and to know that we both were just waiting to find each other... to find the day where we meet, even if it is just a moment in time, it is worth it...
"i want to find you. i want to be loved by you. i want only you. i want to be with you. i want to share my days with you."
would that be the appropriate thing to say? how would you describe your feelings with words when it goes beyond what words can define...you are not speechless.. you have just ran out of words to say...
the smallest things mean the most to me,
to warmth of another body next to mine,
the scent of his body,
his ora that surrounds his being,
the heart beat and breathing as i rest my head upon his chest,
their arms that cradle me where i feel lifted into the clouds and wind beneath my wings,
i close my eyes and i rest assure that i peacefully sleep right next to him,
he holds me as i've always dreamed that he would,
he softly kisses my shoulder, to my neck... so soothing, the gentle caress -
putting my body at ease, and i hold him...
i feel safe, i feel secure, i feel...a touch of an angel...
my mind is at peace..my heart smiles...
to wake at his side and rest the same way...
he is beautiful in everyway i imagined...
he understands and i am a part of him...
in his mind i glow apart from the rest...
he feels the emotion as i flow my hands through his being...
with such intensity, yet soft are his eyes...
we indulge within ourselves...
thirsting for one another...
dreaming together...thinking the same ideals... the same thoughts...
without saying one word, the slightest embrace explains it all
a magnifying touch that constantly but humbly craves...
craving unnoticed...satisfied with a simple touch of skin...
when touching is not close enough..
the answer is clear...to get closer...
hearts as one...a fantasy that will never be...
...is this the closest ill ever be to a part of what i call heaven on earth...?
to bury deep within my thoughts... | | |
| within i am dust, all has changed...time is evident...the playing field- re-arranged... | | |
| my heart has still'd- my breathe is no more- i feel no cold- the fire that pumps through my body has extinguished... i am no more... but still my thoughts prevail...i think my life as just a frail string.. existing only in a world where eyes can see beyond reflection of light...where it is never just an easy straight line... full of curves, knots and twirls... and by the time we reach to the end... the fun will just begin...hells ride is a wait that you will start once you pass the waiting line...
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| Wow... it has never occurred to me that people still read my xanga's... lol i suppose they are not what they use to be...with a KICK maybe i am not what i use to be...who knows...
As for those people, that "ACT" like my friend... that i've tried to befriend...and evidently you take it like its a piece of dog shit and trash it... i am not hurt... as you would think i am... i take it out as a test... what i would call the "truth under skin" i have REAL friends, and i wouldnt give them up for the world... i have people that i would like to become my real friends but fail the test because they have no REAL nature... these are fucks that haven't been taught morality... the SIMPLE basics of being HUMAN... i have no need to list whom they are... they have a clear idea...
but just as a hint...
(1) people i USE to call... but never hear from me anymore...
(2) people that NOW call... that i never pick up for...
(3) people that I run into... but say "hi, i'm sorry i have to go...ttyl... bai"
(4) people that I have given gifts to...gifts that i search with them in mind...don't think it will happen again...
(5) people that I have given advice to...that i no longer appear available...
(6) people that ignored my words, to think that I would not drop you, within an instant...you might want to re-evaluate your worthless-ness to my eyes...
(7) people that think i care about them, unless you don't apply to above...get REAL i would not give a rats ass...
people surround themselves with what they call friends... i really wonder why...
you know who is going to FUCK you...
you know who is going to LIE to be next to you...
you know who is going to ultimately backstab and betray you...
you know who is going to take what you love away from you...
you KNOW who is going to take vengence on you...
but you still manage to let those fake pricks get close...why? fear of being by yourself? having fake friends is better than nothing? are you THAT much of a LOSER?
oh, yeah... not to forget...
you know who is going to LAUGH at you...when this is all done and through...**obviously... ME** 
all you fake, lying, piece of shits that try to amount to the word of a "true friend"... don't think i DON'T SEE YOU FUCKERS FRONTING...I'm just waiting for you to fuck up.... | | |
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